This year will be different

Will this year be different? I say it will. It's already started that way. I'm committed to keeping it going.

Mira gave me a book called the "Start Today" journal for my birthday. The first exercise is to write two pages on: "Who do I want to be in ten years?" "Imagine a decade of time has gone by and you are living the best possible ideal for yourself and your life."

I took the challenge seriously, and I found it daunting. But I wrote my two pages.

## Every ideal is a judge
When John and I heard Jordan Peterson speak in Connecticut on September 8, last year  he said this:

>If you have an ideal, that's great, because it gives you something to strive for. Because the fact is that if you have something to strive for you--thank God for that! Because if you don’t have anything to strive for you don’t have any meaning in your life...But the price you pay for that ideal, that goal, is your insufficiency.

That word, insufficiency, stuck. Insufficiency. Exactly. The ideal judges you and finds you insufficient.

When we set goals, we are aware of our insufficiency and inadequacy. Which is why I avoid goal-setting. I dream. I don't set goals.

Dreaming is safe. "Wouldn’t it be nice if...?” Of course, it would be nice. There’s no risk in rhetorically considering something you know is nice.

Goal setting is risky. "I am going to achieve X," is a goal. I might fail. I probably will. And things are difficult even before I fail. I will need to consider how to reach the goal. And if it's a worthy goal, then by definition I am insufficient. Do I want to face my insufficiency?

Fuck, yes!

And if it's a worthy goal, I'm inadequate to creating a [Future Self](https://70yearsoldwtf.blogspot.com/2017/07/thank-you-past-me-thank-you-random.html) who can reach it. Do I want my Future Self to bear the burden of his insufficiency? Will my Future Self wish to bear it?

Fuck, yes!

I am incapable of bringing into being a Future Self who can reach that goal. I might be able to create a Future Self that can create another Future Self that can create...and so on. But it’s a long string of failures to achieve the sufficiency needed for success.

Do I want that much failure in my future?

Fuck, yes!

So the year begins: with my dreams for ten years from now  I'm not ready for goals, but my goal is to get ready for them.  And this post, and more to come.

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