If I did that it would mean...

People often interpret other people's behavior by applying this rule: "If I had done that, it would mean <this thing.> Therefore, <this thing> is what it means."

No, sorry. Sometimes true. Often not.

Example: for years Bobbi would ask me "What are you thinking about?" And it would annoy me. At the same time, it bothered her that I never asked her what she was thinking about. Eventually decoded our behavior: for her, asking what I was thinking was a gesture of interest, caring and respect. For me, it was an intrusion. For me, not asking her was a gesture of respect. For her, it showed lack of caring.

Our kids call up and tell us what's going on in their lives, and rarely ask us what we're doing. Bobbi says it means that they're not interested in us. I say: "That's what it would mean if you did that. They're showing that they care about us by sharing their lives with us. They don't do that with people they don't care about. And when I have something that I want to share with them, I share it. They don't need to ask."

I have a friend who gets annoyed at people who promise to call him and then don't call. "Did they use the word 'promise?'" I ask. "No," he admits, "they didn't use that word. But that does not matter. When I say I'm going to do something it's a commitment. A promise. I take promises seriously and someone breaks their promises it is a sign of disrespect."

That's what it would mean if he did that. What it means for someone else may be the same, or it may be quite different. For most people saying "I'll call you," does not mean "I'll call you."

In fact, it can mean the opposite. The cliche for not wanting to talk to someone is: "Don't call me, I'll call you." So in this case, "I'll call you" means: "I don't want you to call me, and I'm not going to call you, but I reserve the right to change my mind."

"Don't call me, I'll call you" might be rude, but it is more welcoming than "Don't call me. Period." And it's less welcoming than "I'll call you in a week," which might mean "I'm very busy but I won't be busy in a week, and I'll call you in a week;" or it might mean "I've talked to you enough for now. Maybe I'll want to talk more in a week. Probably not before then, so don't bother calling until at least a week has passed."

So when people say "I'll call you," they don't necessarily mean "I'll call you," and they generally don't mean anything close to "I promise to call you."

"I'll call you," is a social convention, and nicely ambiguous, which is one of its virtues. It means something like: "I intend to call you," which means "I have some degree of intention to call you," which may mean "I have enough intention that I am highly likely to pick up the phone and call," or "I have some intention to call you, but my life being what it is, there's a good chance that I will find something that I will find more important," or "I have a miniscule, yet non-zero, amount of intention to call you, and that makes it unlikely that I call, but I don't want to point that out."

Yes, it's ambiguous, but it's a social norm, and most people understand that it could mean any of these things.

Many interactions are coded ambiguously. We don't say things like: "Because I care about you, I'd like to know what you're thinking." And certainly we don't say things like "Because I care about you, I'm not going to ask what you're thinking." WTF? Really?

We assume that people understand the intentions behind our acts, but we're not always right. And that can lead to trouble.

Before being offended because "If I did that, I would be showing disrespect," say: "If I did that, it would mean I was showing disrespect. Is that why you are doing it." You may be surprised at the answer.