Jesus didn't have Internet? WTF!!!

So yesterday--or maybe tomorrow, I forget when I'm posting this--our broadband went down. When it's up it's not the greatest thing in the world; I can only download at about 10Mb/sec, but it's not crappy like satellite was before DSL came to rural Maine.

It made me think, which is what I do sometimes when I don't have good Internet access. And I realized how really, really, really shitty it must have been when everyone had crappy Internet access. It must have really sucked for like George Washington, and King Arthur, Robin Hood and Jesus. Not to mention the Neanderthals, whoever they were.

Before DSL I had Satellite broadband, and before that I had dial-up, and that was really bad, so thinking about it, Internet speeds must have been even worse back then. I mean Jesus lived, what? 2000 years ago, and the Internet must have completely sucked back then. Even if he got way better than average service, being the Son of God, and all, it still would have sucked.

But it's worse! Way worse! My buddy Dean, who knows about history and shit, tells me that back in those days they had no Internet at all.

What!!!!

You have got to be kidding me. I'd fucking kill myself if I had no Internet. But Dean says it's true.

"No Internet," he says.

"You mean no DSL," I tell him. But he says, no, he says. There was no Internet.

"Are you sure?" I ask. "Jesus had no Internet?"

"Yes," he says. "I'm sure."

I do some research and Dean's right, like he always is, because he's like some kind of Google-master and can look anything up in a microsecond. Galileo, no Internet. Isaac Newton, no Internet. The guys who wrote the Declaration of Independence? They did it without Wikipedia, because they had no Internet.

I'm still trying to get my head wrapped around that one, but in the meanwhile our DSL is back up, and I've got a whole lot of stuff to catch up on. It's not like I was totally disconnected, because I could always use my smartphone, but it's got this little screen and no keyboard, and I could never write this blog post on it.

No Internet! How did anyone ever get anything done?